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Posts from the
SOS International E-Support List.
Thank You Carl
for going to so much trouble and putting this together.
If there are no objections I would like to put this on the SOS Lists
web site and maybe add more to it.
POSSIBLY THIS WILL ENCOURAGE STORIES FROM SOME OTHER MEMBERS
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After a long and illustrious career as a drinker I have decided to
go sober.
I have been off alcohol for 40 days, I made my declaration to quit
Fri 11/8 )…I have been a heavy drinker for 20 years; my main stay
for the past 5 has been vodka (Grey Goose; Belvidere) fresh out of
the freezer on the rocks straight, also enjoyed a beer or two, and
wine; ….my decision came not by hitting rock bottom but more as a
realization of bumping along bottom for many years (especially the
last 4-5); I have been trying over the last 2-years
to condition myself to be a "social drinker"; trying to maintain a
"quota" or max drinks per night (not social I know) that did not
work; …also trying to take weekdays off but after 3 weeks that plan
failed due to cheating during the week and then big binging on the
weekends;… I took 90 days off not last summer but the summer before
, it was not too hard in the middle but as I approached days 75-89 I
found I was looking forward to day 90 very intensely; day 90
I had 2 drinks (a wine and a beer); the next night I had like 8-10
drinks and there it goes; ….anyway I was running (my 4 mile 45
minute run; dragging my beer belly along for the ride) as a neared
the end of my run my iPod played "eclipse" by Pink Floyd I kept
replaying it over and over again I then finished my run and sat on
the beach I realized (in a true moment of clarity) that I was unable
to be a social drinker and my choices were heavy drinker or quit...
listening to "let it be" and "a long and winding road" for about a
half hour then driving to visit my good friends Mom (Mrs. Kelly) in
Melrose for a talk; …..I decided to quit...
I am not in AA (the religious bent as well as other features do not
draw me); I don't like the term alcoholic as it implies a disease,
alternatively I feel I have conditioned myself to drink heavy and to
unwind that will take many years; could I train myself to be social
drinker 3-5 years from now? Probably… But what good is it to
train for drinking; I would rather train for a marathon…
The "controlled", or "monitored", or "light", etc. drinking regimen
doesn't seem to work very well - or at all. For addicts it is either
nothing or everything. Of course, I only speak for myself.
This notion that I can drink less falls down rather abruptly (as do
I after 8 drinks. Not funny.).
What? Instead of two bottles of potato squeezings I'll only have
one?
Instead of three six-packs I'll only have two? I can still get
looped on two!
Way to much rationalization.
The only solution - and, again, I speak for myself - is complete
abstinence.
Frankly, I enjoy boozing so much that enough is never enough. Only
none is enough. None is the only "enough". None. Enough.
And it is very tough.
This is not to say that a reduction-to-none diet is not commendable.
It is to be encouraged. It takes a while to break a wonderfully
tasty, if not destructive, habit. For myself, after 30+ years of
ethanol intake, it takes time to acclimate myself off the ethanol.
My body doesn't understand that a day without alcohol is, well, a
day without alcohol. Or a week, month, year, decade,... My liver and
kidneys are confused. My brain is "thinking things it never thunk
before, like why the ocean's near the shore".
[Scarecrow. Wizard of Oz. I digress.]
---------------------------------
Being poor I always drink the bottom of the shelf crap vodka. Pure
poison. And the cheapest and strongest beer. Pure cow p*ss. When I
die they are going to have to kill my liver with a stick. It will be
the one staggering around drunk. With two looped kidneys trying to
steady it.
Hang in there. Try to slow down and come to a stop. It is extremely
difficult for long-termers. I still have problems. Of course, as we
get older the body simply can't handle excessive drug intake. Days
of vomiting, diarrhea, head-aches, nausea, etc., etc., etc.,
certainly begin to wear on the psyche and body.
Please write more. At least, your hands are not wrapped around a
bottle when you write. They may be before or after, but not while
typing.
Best wishes.
swd
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Congrats on you 30 days!
My story is long... but I'll give you the short version. I started
out drinking and using in high school in the 1960's. It seemed like
harmless fun but soon proved otherwise. Over the next 20 or so years
my drinking and using became full fledged, I was addicted physically
and mentally. I lost everything - business, car, wife. Detoxed on
methadone twice and went on Methadone maintenance.
Couldn't stay clean on that and ended up going cold turkey off that
(bad, bad news). What else can I tell you about the years I drank
and used? I was a common every day drunk and common every day junkie
- I lied, I stole, I cheated. I contracted a deadly disease.
In 1986 I started going to meetings after making the acquaintance of
some nice young fellows from AA/NA. I liked the meetings but wasn't
really interested in stopping - just wanted to get it back under
control. Well, I guess you can figure out how well that worked!
Time went by and my life got worse. I never really quit going to the
meetings, just sat in the back with my shades on ( so nobody would
know how *&#% up I was!)
Finally decided to give it a try. Spiritually I was all mixed up,
but immediately developed a resentment towards some preachy old
timers who were determined to shove their religion down my throat.
Well that lasted for 60 days and then back out again for 3 1/2
years. Drugs and alcohol really beat the shit out of me during this
time - after trying to sober up I could no longer convince myself I
was "just partying" or some other bullshit -- I knew I was *&#% up
(and badly!). I was utterly miserable.
Finally decided to give it another try. Beaten badly enough to
embrace whatever religion was required. Honestly became a believer.
Made a bad mistake though and moved into my in-laws back yard! (Bad,
bad, bad) 90 days later I remember why I chose to use in the first
place! Abandoned the wife – abandoned the kids and ran away to go
use, which i did vehemently and suicidally
After a few months of that I was ready to do anything. Jan 5th. 2002
I called an AA friend and asked for help. he came by and gave me $15
for gas and said I could come stay with him. Took the money and
bought 2 bags of heroin, but still made it to his house that night.
Jan 6th, 2002 I was clean and have been ever since -- this Jan 6th
will be my 17th AA/NA birthday.
That would have been the end of the story if I would have remained
comfortable in my new found spirituality -- but I have a skeptical
mind and can't help but question such things. This, after some years
of struggling, became an all out war with myself. I finally had to
face facts and accept myself for who I really am deep down inside. I
cannot be comfortable as a Theist - the Theists cannot present a
concept of god that is not anthropomorphic, and I cannot accept one
that is. On the other hand, the Atheists cannot present an argument
for the non-existence of any god that cannot be defeated - so I'm
not comfortable there. I am comfortable Agnostic. I take no issue
with the idea of god. maybe there is maybe there isn't – who the
hell knows? Unfortunately that has me feeling more than a bit left
of the AA/NN programs.
I still go to those meetings and still think that the program
approach is a good one - minus the religion. It has worked for me
for long years and I'm grateful for it.
I came here more than once over the last few years, but have only
really made an effort to be a part of it lately. I feel a bit
isolated here too, if truth be known. Some members here are
aggressively and hatefully against the programs that have saved my
life -- they remind me all too well of the overbearing old-timers in
the programs they dislike so much.
It doesn't matter though, how well I fit in anywhere or whether or
not any given member might choose to act like a fool or preach or
give bad advice - - as long as my sobriety remains the most
important thing in my life each day I will continue to stay sober.
That is my "First Priority" (adapted from James Christopher's
"sobriety priority") and is the foundation stone of my life.
Alan
Wow Alan; that’s some story; I am 40; I’ve tried most drugs but not
to any heavy extent except for alcohol which I am so grateful I gave
up; I am married and have 4 awesome children and felt that if I kept
up the 60 drinks a week quota that I was going to get into some
trouble (I felt it around the corner if that makes sense); ...I hope
others will share there stories...
____
As far as I can
remember I had alcohol in me before I was even born!
My mum drank
while having me and all my brothers. Then alcohol was given to us,
all through each of our childhoods. My youngest memory of
getting drunk was on holiday when I was just 13 yrs old and drank 3
pts of scrumpy cider.
On leaving boarding school & home aged 16 alcohol was my only close
comfort which progressed me into it's prisoner...We all know this
part don't we...I let it wear onto my live-in partner who got ruined
in a very short period of time. I had to move away from him because
he wouldn't work, just drink and smoke and nothing else. I have
never smoked or taken drugs but have been in stages on every drink
going. I first began a trip be being sober when I was 19 yrs it
lasted just 6 months. Then I have been found unconscious in ditches,
woke with strangers, lost a job, almost a partner on many times. I
have had my strongest attempts this year at getting sober for good.
Since April I have had a couple of relapses but now it is DEF- for
good. I’ve suffered a stroke from being back on booze in only a
relapse! I was out of it for 10 min and am only 35 yrs old.
I want to say
good bye to the poison for ever. My biggest addiction is chili
peppers & hot sauce for ever and ever from now on...
AA never helped. It made me feel I was swopping one obsession with
another instead of just getting on without a life of alcohol.... I
enjoyed my first booze barf when I was 14. "4 Queens" garbage
whiskey. I looked old enough, and the rules were not so stringent,
that I could buy the swill. And swill I swilled. And barfed. And
barfed. Also, I used to come home from junior & senior high school
drunk.
Of course, my father, another drunk, would beat the hell out of me
and throw me out of the house toward evening. I spent many a night
on the street and then went to school in the morning. What a mess.
Anyway...
Hang on! Everybody hang on.
Swd
____
I'm just getting to this sderrick..
You are writing most of my feelings toward the drink. I feel a
kinship with your experience that hits home directly. Days
75-89...that's the time period I feel off the last time. I felt I'd
accomplished something big, so thought I could go back with some
control...six years later, I'm sitting on Day 111 now. Keep running'
The "controlled" , or "monitored", or "light", etc. drinking regimen
doesn't seem to work very well - or at all. For addicts it is either
nothing or everything. Of course, I only speak for myself.
This notion that I can drink less falls down rather abruptly (as do
I after 8 drinks. Not funny.).
What? Instead of two bottles of potato squeezings I'll only have
one?
Instead of three six-packs I'll only have two? I can still get
looped on two!
Way to much rationalization.
The only solution - and, again, I speak for myself - is complete
abstinence..
Frankly, I enjoy boozing so much that enough is never enough. Only
none is enough. None is the only "enough". None. Enough.
And it is very tough.
This is not to say that a reduction-to- none diet is not
commendable. It is to be encouraged. It takes a while to break a
wonderfully tasty, if not destructive, habit. For myself, after 30+
years of ethanol intake, it takes time to acclimate myself off the
ethanol. My body doesn't understand that a day without alcohol is,
well, a day without alcohol. Or a week, month, year, decade,... My
liver and kidneys are confused. My brain is "thinking things it
never thunk before, like why the ocean's near the shore".
[Scarecrow. Wizard of Oz. I digress.]
Hey there,
Replying to your post. What great insight. I am new to SOS myself
and went to my first online meeting with SMART on Monday night. It
was awesome! Great amount of support there, seen that I am isolated
at this time and can't physically get to a in person meeting.
I am here for support and it's becoming more evident to me that
there are people out there who can be sober and live healthy lives.
What a freakin mess my life has become.
Once upon a time I didn't even drink, then a social and now pretty
much a full blown drunk. Sad but true. I can relate so much to
justifying a few drinks socially and then the drinks taking a
complete hold over me. I have been trying to be sober for a couple
of weeks now and it is more than apparent if I don't stop I will
die. Last night was my job (restaurant) holiday party and yes I took
the title of the most drunk. I went into it thinking it was my last
hurrah. Boy was it ever, blacked out had a coworker put my car on a
flatbed and got me home. Have to go to work in a hour and I am
dreading it like you would believe. Thankfully i am leaving this job
next week and I will no longer be working in the restaurant industry
ever again.
Before I just
blather on I guess I should just pose some questions and ask for
some advice as to how to stay sober. I have DEFINITELY made up my
mind to do so. I purposely got wasted last night for that reason,
but I am now asking myself was it worth it? No freakin way. I made
ass out of myself damaged my name and all around feel horrible about
it. I can't drink. Zip, Zilch, Nada, period
I lost both of
my parent this year and got left with a financial nightmare, a
disabled older sister with HIV, and a whole host of other problems.
My self medication has turned to detriment (DUI) as of late and I am
trying to put my life back together. My plan is to go back NYC, in
here in FL for the rest of the week and start a new chapter in my
life. The financial burden remains the same but I will have work in
NYC not in the restaurant biz. I have a support system up there and
am very confident that I can make the changes I need to make. I am
scares S%#&less, but I am going to take it day by day and go full
speed ahead on my recovery.
I am here because too I abhor AA (whatever works for people) and I
am looking for some help. If anyone could reply to this I would so
greatly appreciate it. I don't know if anyone who has been sober for
a while would be willing to talk with my on the phone. I have
unlimited minutes so I could call. It would just be really nice to
talk to someone who has some sage, sobriety whatever. I don't know
how to go about that in terms of posting my number. Any suggestions
would help.
Thanks all for reading sorry to go on for so long, its been a really
tough year. All my best to everyone.
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